The Disillusionment of Going Back To College

I had an interesting experience a couple of weeks ago when we went to Madison for Ridhwi's work. He (Ridhwi) happened to come back to the hotel early and we decided to go out to dinner. We were celebrating one of our anniversaries (we have several, but that is another blog post) and decided to go some where semi-nice. I say "semi" because we had the kids in tow and you can only go to semi-nice places without people hating you for bringing them. We googled the area and found a Brazilian place that looked good. Our kids are definite meat eaters and we thought with the salad bar options we could find some thing for everyone in the family to be happy. It was a great dinner - minus a plate that fell on the floor and almost broke. Our waitress even helped make some sort of ghetto sippy cups out the the glasses with lids and masking tape she found in a basket (we really appreciated it). 

After we had finished eating we needed to walk off the copious amount of meat we ate and decided to walk around a bit (as you do after going to a Brazilian restaurant). We were happy to see that the downtown area had some neat shops and was pretty active. We imagined ourselves to be explorers (much like Dora) and headed toward the action. We thought it would be fun, new, and exciting. We thought that our kids would be angels with full meat bellies that would walk idly beside us only occasionally pointing out an interesting sight or amusing us with a small anecdote. What really happened is that their full meat bellies turned them into animal-children with no sense of concern for their personal safety. We made it about 12 feet before Ashima laid down in the parking lot and Amita refused to hold hands so we decided that additional safety measures must be taken. 

Now, before I tell you what happened next, I'm going to preface my actions with a justification. Twice Ashima has run away from me and onto a busy road; once I had to run into the road to stop the car that was scarily close to hitting her. After that incident, with tears in my eyes, I decided that I needed to get some sort of restraint for her when she is not in her stroller and we are in a highly trafficked area. She does not listen to directions, does not like to hold hands, and runs with no sense of self-preservation. So, I bought some "bracelets" that attach to both their wrist and my wrist. They are elastic so it's actually pretty good for the kids. They have a sense of freedom but they are not in any danger. I've always thought I would never be the sort of mom that put a leash on her kid but I guess I am. Ashima's safety is just too important to me. There is nothing that changes your mind about safety as your child almost getting hit by a car.

So, back to the story, we were walking and the kids were NOT behaving. I pulled out the leash for Ashima and Amita decided that she wanted one as well. Interestingly enough, Amita really likes her "bracelet". I think it makes her feel a safe connection to me while not holding my hand. All the better to explore with, and Amita loves to explore - just like Dora. ("Come on, Vaminos! Where are we going? To walk around!"). We chose buddies and started walking. The was the first time we were out in public with the leashes er… excuse me… "bracelets". We got a lot of knowing smiles from parents and a few strange and judgmental looks from what I'm assuming were non-parents. More than anything, though, I felt a huge sense of relief that I got to walk without having to constantly keep an eye on whether Ashima was going to run into traffic. It was nice and enjoyable, for a while. 

We eventually wandered onto the University of Wisconsin campus (which is beautiful, by the way). I went to the University of Kansas for two years and Emporia State College for two years (with a semester for studying abroad in England). Ridhwi did his 6 years of medical school at Katsturba Medical College at the Pokhra, Nepal, location. Both of us really enjoyed our college years and happily reminiscing as we were walking, whispering as we needed to for the parts we didn't want the kids to hear. We turned away from the University and found ourselves in a residential neighborhood. This is where I started to feel a bit self-conscious. You see, the evening classes had just gotten out and the sidewalks were full of headphone-wearing college kids hurrying home from class, scantily-clad females heading out for the night, and a pair of computer programers talking about code (we overheard their extremely nerdy conversation and snickered). We were also on the road containing sorority and fraternities for the University and the students were outside in the front yard playing horseshoes, listening to music, and drinking beer. 

It has always been a fervent wish of mine to go back to school and get an advanced degree in either english or education. However, life happens and Ridhwi's job is the one that pays the bills so residency and all that comes with it took precedence - and there is no way I could go with the kids as young as they are. A lot of people successfully do it, but I'm not sure I could. Since it's not necessary for anything at this point, it just hasn't happened. Maybe one day, though. 

The campus life at U of W looked like a lot of fun! I found myself wishing I could join in the game of horseshoes, thinking about whether I could transfer credits to the University, and generally daydreaming about college, when suddenly I felt a pull on my "bracelet" as Ashima wrapped herself around a tree. I was literally yanked out of my reverie to attend to my crying one year-old who desperately wanted to look in the drainage system on the side of the road. So these young college children, unaccustomed to hearing the cries of children, turned off the music and stared at us. It was that exact moment - when I felt the staring eyes of quite a few college students - that I realized I was an interloper and longer belonged in that crowd. I would no longer be able to hang out until 2 in the morning at my neighbor's apartment drinking beer, or smoke hookah and discuss literature (and gossip) with my classmates. I no longer had common interests with these people staring at me(unless they had some strange fascination with potty training and couponing). With this revelation in mind we kept walking around the neighborhood but it was not the same the same as it was before. Instead of imagining the students as my brethren - friends my own age with similar interests, I felt like a walking example for birth control. When we passed egg heads talking about their classes and intellectual pursuits I wanted to tell them that I used to be smart but I'm pretty sure that motherhood makes you lose some of mind (for real, it happens with pregnancy and never returns), and when we passed the students playing games and hanging out in front of their dormitories I wanted to tell them to enjoy drinking while they could because after one glass of wine nowadays all I want to do is go to bed and I still manage to feel hungover the next day. 

As I lay in bed that night (at the very late time of 10:00 pm), my head resting on Ridhwi's chest and the kids asleep in the bed next to us, I reflected upon what it was like going back to the University. While I enjoyed thinking about the good 'ol days and pretending for an extremely short period of time I might still fit in with that crowd, I realized that I wouldn't change what I have for anything. It is still a dream that some day I might go back to college for an advanced degree, but for the time being, I'll enjoy being a mommy and everything that comes with it, "bracelets" and all. 

Unfortunately, I didn't take a picture of the campus (so I had to use this stock one) but the campus was beautiful. We enjoyed walking around, even if we felt awkward part of the time.

100 Happy Days Update

I am about half way through my 100 Happy Days Challenge. So far I've found it to be both supremely annoying and very nice. It can be annoying because I set an alarm on my phone for 6 pm so I remember to get on Instagram to document my moment and inevitably the alarm goes off when I am in the middle of something important - usually making the kids dinner. However, no matter how frustrated I am or what is going on with my day, it is a chance to reflect.  Usually my happy moment it is something very small - seeing a duck in our front yard, enjoying the view out our living room window, or getting ice cream in the summer, but some times it is something large to be thankful for: an impromptu trip to Chicago during our move, the move itself, or our new home. It is nice to have the time to reflect on my day and the little moments within that make life so special. If you want to follow the rest of the challenge, you can follow on Instagram at #lauras100happydays.

Big Changes: What I Learned From a 9 Year-Old

It is an established fact that Amita loves music. In Michigan, Amita took some music classes through Parents as Teachers and she absolutely loved them. She learned a lot and was always asking for more music time. Since then I have done some homeschool music lessons where we listen to music, clap to the beat, learn about rhythm, and dance with ribbons, which she also really enjoys. About a month before the move I happened to see a post about a music school in Stevens Point that was waving the admission fee as a promotion. I contacted them and asked if she was old enough for lessons and they said she was. I thought I was super mom. I had ideas of Amita being accepted to Julliard and listening to her play piano in front of a packed concert hall. I just knew she would love it. A few days before her lesson, I made a big deal about the and put her books in her backpack and talked about what a big girl she was and how much she was going to like her lessons - and she seemed really excited. 

I first sensed trouble when we arrived and she wouldn't even leave the toys in the waiting room to go in the lesson room. By the time I wrangled her into the room, things had gone from bad to worse. The teacher was a thin, wiry man with a soft demeanor and voice named Mr. Aaron. I'm sure he is a good teacher, but I'm not sure he is a good teacher for preschool lessons. Amita would not listen at all and instead ran from one place in the room to the other. She would not look at Mr. Aaron, talk to him, or interact at all. He tried not only playing the piano but singing songs with her and playing with rhythm sticks. By the end of the first lesson she was laying in the corner chewing on her bracelet with her feet in the air not listening to Mr. Aaron or me. It was a huge disaster of epic proportions. The most we could get her to do was push a key on the piano. Since I was so consumed with Amita, Ashima was more or less on her own and took the opportunity to run around like a little heathen and causing general havoc which did not help the situation. I was so disheartened. I was not expecting her to become Mozart overnight (okay, maybe I was), but I truly thought it would be something she would at least enjoy. I breathed a sigh of relief when Mr. Aaron quietly suggested we were at a good stopping point (umm… yeah, I'm pretty sure we are, Mr. Aaron) and got the kids out of there pronto. On the way home I tried to be positive and not fume, but I was upset with Amita for not listening. I wouldn't have cared if she didn't like the piano or the lessons, but she didn't even listen. Ridhwi had the next week off and I took him to the lessons. I kept Ashima outside in the waiting room and had him go in with Amita so he could assess the situation. He said the same thing I did - that Amita had no idea how to sit still and learn something new and either didn't know how to follow directions or didn't care to (my opinion is the latter- she'll do anything when there are M&Ms involved). I have no idea how to teach something like this and I am feeling sort of lost. I'm a secondary teacher, not elementary.  She did fine when I did preschool with her in Michigan, but I always tried to do things she was interested in. The conundrum we face is that Amita needs to have the discipline to learn things even if she doesn't like them. We were not talking specifically about piano - but what if she doesn't like reading or science? What then? I'm am not saying by any sense of the word that Amita needs to be able to sit for hours on end studying books. However, at her age, she should be able to sit or stand still for a few minutes at a time and follow directions or at the very least converse with someone other than Mommy and Daddy. Again, I wasn't upset that she didn't like the piano, I'm upset that she completely ignored Mr. Aaron. I also think that as well meaning as Mr. Aaron was, Amita could use a younger piano teacher or a Grandma who talks on her level and draws her in to the lesson a bit more. Mr. Aaron had great methods but a little bit more enthusiasm on his part might have helped Amita some. 


We have also noticed some behavior changes from Amita since the move. She has become defiant, has stopped listening and following directions, has been saying mean things. None of this behavior she exhibited in Michigan, so I can only assume that it is linked to the move. She has started holding grudges and saying, "No love Daddy, love Mommy", or "No love Momma love Grandma" or my personal favorite a few days ago, "No love Momma love Alli (the dog)." While I think to some extent this is normal because she feels unsettled, I don't like the behavior and nothing I am doing is making her stop. I also think that some of it is normal for a three year-old. However, when paired with the lack of following directions (unless I threaten, cajole, or bribe), and lack of listening (most of the time), I am at a loss as to what to do. She doesn't exhibit this behavior all the time and it seems to be getting a bit better, I truly don't know what to do other than repetitively putting her in time-out and taking away toys. I have tried positive reinforcement but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference either way at this point.  At first we just put up with it thinking it would  go away but it's not changing.  I know that her whole world and sense of order was changed by the move but it does not excuse this behavior and I don't want her to learn that it is okay. I've also gotten out my  Love and Logic book and tried to look for some answers, but it wasn't much help. 


I also noticed something when my 9 year-old niece Elizabeth came to visit for a few days - Amita would do what Elizabeth did and thought it was really cool. I am not sure if she did it because Elizabeth is older or if she was another girl or what, but she would do anything Elizabeth asked her. It was kind of frustrating to some extent but enlightening in other ways. Why would she not listen when I told her to get in the car but she would listen to Elizabeth? I also noticed that she did not communicate well with Elizabeth. It is not that she didn't know the words, it was that she wasn't using them, or was making unusual requests that made Elizabeth unhappy/embarrassed - like kissing her an unusually high amount and trying to look at her "big girl undies". While these things are normal in our household (we talk a lot about undies and we also give kisses to each other), it was obvious that Amita didn't know or chose not to follow the rules I've tried to teach her for when we are outside the house or for people that are not Mommy, Daddy, or Ashima. She also did not know how to play with Elizabeth in a normal way or to carry on any type of real conversation - even though she knew the words and knew what Elizabeth was saying. 



It is because of these lessons that we have decided to put Amita in a Catholic preschool a couple of days a week for a few hours each morning. Not for the learning aspect (although that is nice too), but specifically the social aspect. She needs to learn to follow directions and not expect anything in return. She needs to learn how to act in social settings, and she needs to learn what is appropriate and what is not. These are not things I can teach her at home without another group of kids. I've looked into the CoOps in the area, but most of them are for older kids - not preschool. It is my hope that this will help Amita and cause a detente of sorts between her and myself. We are planning on moving into our new home in October so this is a temporary solution to Amita's social problems and we are hoping that by the time we move I can continue her homeschooling in a manner that works better for both of us. When we toured the school, we discussed where Amita was academically and found out that she is already at the 4K level so I am assuming that she will not learn too much in terms of new material. However, I think that socially it will be invaluable, but difficult. 


In some ways I sort of feel that I will be throwing Amita to the wolves to teach her these social lessons. Several times in Amita's life the word Aspergers has been thrown around - including by her pediatricians. Whether she has it or not the fact remains that she is definitely a special kid with sensitive needs. If it were Ashima, I would have absolutely no worries about putting her in a highly social situation - but I also feel that in some ways Ashima has more social skills than Amita at this point. Amita is much more sensitive than her sister and tends to get overwhelmed and turns mean when she feels uncomfortable. I do not feel that this is a problem with homeschooling or lack of socialization on my part, rather I feel it is a personality trait with Amita and that she could benefit from some interaction for a few months. I am going to talk with the teacher before we go in but I am feeling unsettled about how she will react but understand how important and needed it is. At this point I am feeling like I don't have many more options. I need her to be around children her age and until she is older homeschool CoOps are not an option, at least not in the way Amita needs them. I am not intending for this to be permanent or for it to be her primary source of education. It is my intention that this will help her with her social skills. 

It has always been my idea that homeschooling would be in part a collaboration with public/private schools so the girls could have a chance to explore the arts with other kids and have social interaction - while having the bulk of their core academic work load be at home (you can see these posts here and here). It is my hope that this solution will help Amita with some social aspects of her learning that will also help her learn better at home. After all - the whole purpose of this journey is to give the girls the best education possible, even if that means that some of it will be out of my hands.