Big Changes: What I Learned From a 9 Year-Old

It is an established fact that Amita loves music. In Michigan, Amita took some music classes through Parents as Teachers and she absolutely loved them. She learned a lot and was always asking for more music time. Since then I have done some homeschool music lessons where we listen to music, clap to the beat, learn about rhythm, and dance with ribbons, which she also really enjoys. About a month before the move I happened to see a post about a music school in Stevens Point that was waving the admission fee as a promotion. I contacted them and asked if she was old enough for lessons and they said she was. I thought I was super mom. I had ideas of Amita being accepted to Julliard and listening to her play piano in front of a packed concert hall. I just knew she would love it. A few days before her lesson, I made a big deal about the and put her books in her backpack and talked about what a big girl she was and how much she was going to like her lessons - and she seemed really excited. 

I first sensed trouble when we arrived and she wouldn't even leave the toys in the waiting room to go in the lesson room. By the time I wrangled her into the room, things had gone from bad to worse. The teacher was a thin, wiry man with a soft demeanor and voice named Mr. Aaron. I'm sure he is a good teacher, but I'm not sure he is a good teacher for preschool lessons. Amita would not listen at all and instead ran from one place in the room to the other. She would not look at Mr. Aaron, talk to him, or interact at all. He tried not only playing the piano but singing songs with her and playing with rhythm sticks. By the end of the first lesson she was laying in the corner chewing on her bracelet with her feet in the air not listening to Mr. Aaron or me. It was a huge disaster of epic proportions. The most we could get her to do was push a key on the piano. Since I was so consumed with Amita, Ashima was more or less on her own and took the opportunity to run around like a little heathen and causing general havoc which did not help the situation. I was so disheartened. I was not expecting her to become Mozart overnight (okay, maybe I was), but I truly thought it would be something she would at least enjoy. I breathed a sigh of relief when Mr. Aaron quietly suggested we were at a good stopping point (umm… yeah, I'm pretty sure we are, Mr. Aaron) and got the kids out of there pronto. On the way home I tried to be positive and not fume, but I was upset with Amita for not listening. I wouldn't have cared if she didn't like the piano or the lessons, but she didn't even listen. Ridhwi had the next week off and I took him to the lessons. I kept Ashima outside in the waiting room and had him go in with Amita so he could assess the situation. He said the same thing I did - that Amita had no idea how to sit still and learn something new and either didn't know how to follow directions or didn't care to (my opinion is the latter- she'll do anything when there are M&Ms involved). I have no idea how to teach something like this and I am feeling sort of lost. I'm a secondary teacher, not elementary.  She did fine when I did preschool with her in Michigan, but I always tried to do things she was interested in. The conundrum we face is that Amita needs to have the discipline to learn things even if she doesn't like them. We were not talking specifically about piano - but what if she doesn't like reading or science? What then? I'm am not saying by any sense of the word that Amita needs to be able to sit for hours on end studying books. However, at her age, she should be able to sit or stand still for a few minutes at a time and follow directions or at the very least converse with someone other than Mommy and Daddy. Again, I wasn't upset that she didn't like the piano, I'm upset that she completely ignored Mr. Aaron. I also think that as well meaning as Mr. Aaron was, Amita could use a younger piano teacher or a Grandma who talks on her level and draws her in to the lesson a bit more. Mr. Aaron had great methods but a little bit more enthusiasm on his part might have helped Amita some. 


We have also noticed some behavior changes from Amita since the move. She has become defiant, has stopped listening and following directions, has been saying mean things. None of this behavior she exhibited in Michigan, so I can only assume that it is linked to the move. She has started holding grudges and saying, "No love Daddy, love Mommy", or "No love Momma love Grandma" or my personal favorite a few days ago, "No love Momma love Alli (the dog)." While I think to some extent this is normal because she feels unsettled, I don't like the behavior and nothing I am doing is making her stop. I also think that some of it is normal for a three year-old. However, when paired with the lack of following directions (unless I threaten, cajole, or bribe), and lack of listening (most of the time), I am at a loss as to what to do. She doesn't exhibit this behavior all the time and it seems to be getting a bit better, I truly don't know what to do other than repetitively putting her in time-out and taking away toys. I have tried positive reinforcement but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference either way at this point.  At first we just put up with it thinking it would  go away but it's not changing.  I know that her whole world and sense of order was changed by the move but it does not excuse this behavior and I don't want her to learn that it is okay. I've also gotten out my  Love and Logic book and tried to look for some answers, but it wasn't much help. 


I also noticed something when my 9 year-old niece Elizabeth came to visit for a few days - Amita would do what Elizabeth did and thought it was really cool. I am not sure if she did it because Elizabeth is older or if she was another girl or what, but she would do anything Elizabeth asked her. It was kind of frustrating to some extent but enlightening in other ways. Why would she not listen when I told her to get in the car but she would listen to Elizabeth? I also noticed that she did not communicate well with Elizabeth. It is not that she didn't know the words, it was that she wasn't using them, or was making unusual requests that made Elizabeth unhappy/embarrassed - like kissing her an unusually high amount and trying to look at her "big girl undies". While these things are normal in our household (we talk a lot about undies and we also give kisses to each other), it was obvious that Amita didn't know or chose not to follow the rules I've tried to teach her for when we are outside the house or for people that are not Mommy, Daddy, or Ashima. She also did not know how to play with Elizabeth in a normal way or to carry on any type of real conversation - even though she knew the words and knew what Elizabeth was saying. 



It is because of these lessons that we have decided to put Amita in a Catholic preschool a couple of days a week for a few hours each morning. Not for the learning aspect (although that is nice too), but specifically the social aspect. She needs to learn to follow directions and not expect anything in return. She needs to learn how to act in social settings, and she needs to learn what is appropriate and what is not. These are not things I can teach her at home without another group of kids. I've looked into the CoOps in the area, but most of them are for older kids - not preschool. It is my hope that this will help Amita and cause a detente of sorts between her and myself. We are planning on moving into our new home in October so this is a temporary solution to Amita's social problems and we are hoping that by the time we move I can continue her homeschooling in a manner that works better for both of us. When we toured the school, we discussed where Amita was academically and found out that she is already at the 4K level so I am assuming that she will not learn too much in terms of new material. However, I think that socially it will be invaluable, but difficult. 


In some ways I sort of feel that I will be throwing Amita to the wolves to teach her these social lessons. Several times in Amita's life the word Aspergers has been thrown around - including by her pediatricians. Whether she has it or not the fact remains that she is definitely a special kid with sensitive needs. If it were Ashima, I would have absolutely no worries about putting her in a highly social situation - but I also feel that in some ways Ashima has more social skills than Amita at this point. Amita is much more sensitive than her sister and tends to get overwhelmed and turns mean when she feels uncomfortable. I do not feel that this is a problem with homeschooling or lack of socialization on my part, rather I feel it is a personality trait with Amita and that she could benefit from some interaction for a few months. I am going to talk with the teacher before we go in but I am feeling unsettled about how she will react but understand how important and needed it is. At this point I am feeling like I don't have many more options. I need her to be around children her age and until she is older homeschool CoOps are not an option, at least not in the way Amita needs them. I am not intending for this to be permanent or for it to be her primary source of education. It is my intention that this will help her with her social skills. 

It has always been my idea that homeschooling would be in part a collaboration with public/private schools so the girls could have a chance to explore the arts with other kids and have social interaction - while having the bulk of their core academic work load be at home (you can see these posts here and here). It is my hope that this solution will help Amita with some social aspects of her learning that will also help her learn better at home. After all - the whole purpose of this journey is to give the girls the best education possible, even if that means that some of it will be out of my hands.