Growing up, I never thought I would be a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). I wanted to be Teacher of the Year. I wanted to inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help students become awesome readers, writers, people, and citizens. I wanted to change lives.
Two weeks after Amita was born in 2011, we moved to Michigan for Ridhwi's residency. At that time, we faced two decisions: I could work or stay at home. If I worked, I needed to begin applying for jobs immediately. I didn't have a Michigan teaching license or daycare lined up. I also took a really long time to heal from Amita's birth (three months) and wasn't feeling particularly up to being up and around, let alone working. The move was hard enough! The thought of going back to work? It was difficult for me, to say the least. I was also completely in love with my little baby girl. I was scared to be a first-time mom with no family nearby and I was even more scared at the thought of putting her in a daycare and not seeing her.
So Ridhwi (who is such a supportive husband) and I went over the numbers and figured out we could wing it. We both liked the idea of me staying at home, and we were excited about doing it.
I decided that if I was going to be a SAHM, I would be the best SAHM mom I could be. I would be a pintrest-worthy mom. I would make my own laundry soap, make my own baby food, have a perfectly clean house and my children would grow up to be awesome!
At first, it was wonderful. It was like I lived in a dream, a perfect world where I could sleep in, read, watch TV, practice cooking - anything I wanted! After teaching while pregnant, giving birth, and moving across the country, I really enjoyed the break. I took the baby for walks, got a library card, and explored the community. I was happy. However, it was only about two months before I got sick of daytime TV, I didn't want to read all day, Amita was growing and not allowing me the blocks of time to do the things I had been doing, and winter was coming so walks were no longer an option. I started to become restless. Suddenly, only talking to the check-out person at the grocery store didn't hold as much appeal as it did before. I missed all my friends. I missed my husband (who was always gone for work). I missed my family. I missed having intelligent conversations. I missed making lessons plans and my visiting with students. However, I would look at my little baby's face and I couldn't imagine being anywhere but with her - she was worth every bit of the sacrifice. I wanted to stay at home with her more than I wanted good conversations (although, I will tell you, baby Amita could be a pretty good conversationalist too). I wondered what was wrong with me. I should be so thankful and lucky to stay at home - I should be glad we were able to do it financially.
I was also married to a man who was in his first year of residency. I counted once that he went seven days without seeing Amita because he got home after she was asleep and went to work before she got up. He consistently worked 16-17 hour days and when he was home he needed sleep. I was basically on my own, night and day.
It was hard. I loved my kid and wanted to spend time with her but I missed working too. Then, when Amita was six months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I knew I wouldn't be going back to work, at least not during residency. My paycheck would barely cover the cost of daycare so it wasn't practical. I also couldn't imagine working and keeping up the house completely by myself, which I would have to do. I was much like a single parent. The more Amita grew, the less lonely I felt and the more work was needed to care for her. I was also very sick during my pregnancy and had a growing belly and doctor's appointments, so that took my attention too.
Eventually I learned the names of the check-out people at the grocery store and they learned mine. A fellow resident-wife and I had started a mom's group and we met once a week. They were a great source of support. I also stared Parents as Teachers. I was busy and feeling happy and… important. I hate to use that word, important, but it's the right word. I had been feeling unimportant before. When I realized it, I thought to myself, "how could you be feeling unimportant, you're growing and raising human beings!" It didn't change the way I felt, though. I missed feeling like a professional. I missed human interaction. I hated that sometimes, the only person I would talk to all day was Ridhwi.
With time, and as the kids get older, I've come to see exactly how much I do and how important is is to our family. We really would not have been able to get through Ridhw's residency without me staying at home. Now that the kids are older I am constantly busy I find myself longing for the early days with Amita where I had time to work on personal projects and only one kid. I don't get frustrated because I do things over and over again that never seem to be finished - like laundry and dishes. Instead, I think about how good of an example I'm setting for my children, I'm showing them how to make a home. There are still days where the only person I talk to is Ridhwi. But he is always there for me to talk to and he lets me talk endlessly about my post office frustrations (or whatever I need to talk about). He constantly tells me how much he appreciates all I do for him and the family. He loves me and understands me and this helps tremendously.
The biggest thing I've learned about being a SAHM: It's a completely different way of thinking. Instead of feeling good because I made a good lesson plan, I feel good because the girls give me hugs and tell me they love me. Instead of staying up late grading papers, I stay up late folding laundry. Instead of getting up early to commute to work, I get up early with my wonderful children and feed them a healthy breakfast.
Now that we've decided to homeschool, I think I will get some of that professional satisfaction back (it is NOT the reason we decided to homeschool, for the record). When I think about what I wanted with my life: to be Teacher of the Year, inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help children become awesome writers, people, citizens, and to change lives - I realized that I will be doing ALL of those things. Instead of doing them with other people's children, I'll be doing them with my own! This was an incredibly exciting realization for me.
I've never become a pintrest-worthy mom. I've yet to make my own laundry soap, I tried making my own baby food once and decided it wasn't worth it when Ashima spit it all over my face, and my kids are not always perfect and the house is not always clean.
When I told my mom I was going to stay at home with the kids, she told me that some days I would do little more than hold my kids and some days would be incredibly productive. I've found that to be a very true piece of advice. Some days the house is a mess and I don't get a shower until the kids nap and other days I've gotten more done before 10:00 than I did the entire week before. I have learned to take one day at a time and enjoy each moment with my children.
It has been a little bit of a rough transition for me, learning to love being a stay-at-home-mom. I feel bad when I'm with my husband's coworkers and feel I have nothing to add to their conversation except that I found a really good coupon this week or to talk about Amita's success with potty training. I'll never get a promotion or win any awards, but I've realized that that is okay. I'm doing one of the most important things in the world - raising my children.
Every day I am so proud of them. I am proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. I am proud of them on the bad days and the good days. And you know what? I've come to realize that is all the professional satisfaction I need.
Two weeks after Amita was born in 2011, we moved to Michigan for Ridhwi's residency. At that time, we faced two decisions: I could work or stay at home. If I worked, I needed to begin applying for jobs immediately. I didn't have a Michigan teaching license or daycare lined up. I also took a really long time to heal from Amita's birth (three months) and wasn't feeling particularly up to being up and around, let alone working. The move was hard enough! The thought of going back to work? It was difficult for me, to say the least. I was also completely in love with my little baby girl. I was scared to be a first-time mom with no family nearby and I was even more scared at the thought of putting her in a daycare and not seeing her.
So Ridhwi (who is such a supportive husband) and I went over the numbers and figured out we could wing it. We both liked the idea of me staying at home, and we were excited about doing it.
I decided that if I was going to be a SAHM, I would be the best SAHM mom I could be. I would be a pintrest-worthy mom. I would make my own laundry soap, make my own baby food, have a perfectly clean house and my children would grow up to be awesome!
At first, it was wonderful. It was like I lived in a dream, a perfect world where I could sleep in, read, watch TV, practice cooking - anything I wanted! After teaching while pregnant, giving birth, and moving across the country, I really enjoyed the break. I took the baby for walks, got a library card, and explored the community. I was happy. However, it was only about two months before I got sick of daytime TV, I didn't want to read all day, Amita was growing and not allowing me the blocks of time to do the things I had been doing, and winter was coming so walks were no longer an option. I started to become restless. Suddenly, only talking to the check-out person at the grocery store didn't hold as much appeal as it did before. I missed all my friends. I missed my husband (who was always gone for work). I missed my family. I missed having intelligent conversations. I missed making lessons plans and my visiting with students. However, I would look at my little baby's face and I couldn't imagine being anywhere but with her - she was worth every bit of the sacrifice. I wanted to stay at home with her more than I wanted good conversations (although, I will tell you, baby Amita could be a pretty good conversationalist too). I wondered what was wrong with me. I should be so thankful and lucky to stay at home - I should be glad we were able to do it financially.
I was also married to a man who was in his first year of residency. I counted once that he went seven days without seeing Amita because he got home after she was asleep and went to work before she got up. He consistently worked 16-17 hour days and when he was home he needed sleep. I was basically on my own, night and day.
It was hard. I loved my kid and wanted to spend time with her but I missed working too. Then, when Amita was six months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I knew I wouldn't be going back to work, at least not during residency. My paycheck would barely cover the cost of daycare so it wasn't practical. I also couldn't imagine working and keeping up the house completely by myself, which I would have to do. I was much like a single parent. The more Amita grew, the less lonely I felt and the more work was needed to care for her. I was also very sick during my pregnancy and had a growing belly and doctor's appointments, so that took my attention too.
Eventually I learned the names of the check-out people at the grocery store and they learned mine. A fellow resident-wife and I had started a mom's group and we met once a week. They were a great source of support. I also stared Parents as Teachers. I was busy and feeling happy and… important. I hate to use that word, important, but it's the right word. I had been feeling unimportant before. When I realized it, I thought to myself, "how could you be feeling unimportant, you're growing and raising human beings!" It didn't change the way I felt, though. I missed feeling like a professional. I missed human interaction. I hated that sometimes, the only person I would talk to all day was Ridhwi.
With time, and as the kids get older, I've come to see exactly how much I do and how important is is to our family. We really would not have been able to get through Ridhw's residency without me staying at home. Now that the kids are older I am constantly busy I find myself longing for the early days with Amita where I had time to work on personal projects and only one kid. I don't get frustrated because I do things over and over again that never seem to be finished - like laundry and dishes. Instead, I think about how good of an example I'm setting for my children, I'm showing them how to make a home. There are still days where the only person I talk to is Ridhwi. But he is always there for me to talk to and he lets me talk endlessly about my post office frustrations (or whatever I need to talk about). He constantly tells me how much he appreciates all I do for him and the family. He loves me and understands me and this helps tremendously.
The biggest thing I've learned about being a SAHM: It's a completely different way of thinking. Instead of feeling good because I made a good lesson plan, I feel good because the girls give me hugs and tell me they love me. Instead of staying up late grading papers, I stay up late folding laundry. Instead of getting up early to commute to work, I get up early with my wonderful children and feed them a healthy breakfast.
Now that we've decided to homeschool, I think I will get some of that professional satisfaction back (it is NOT the reason we decided to homeschool, for the record). When I think about what I wanted with my life: to be Teacher of the Year, inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help children become awesome writers, people, citizens, and to change lives - I realized that I will be doing ALL of those things. Instead of doing them with other people's children, I'll be doing them with my own! This was an incredibly exciting realization for me.
I've never become a pintrest-worthy mom. I've yet to make my own laundry soap, I tried making my own baby food once and decided it wasn't worth it when Ashima spit it all over my face, and my kids are not always perfect and the house is not always clean.
When I told my mom I was going to stay at home with the kids, she told me that some days I would do little more than hold my kids and some days would be incredibly productive. I've found that to be a very true piece of advice. Some days the house is a mess and I don't get a shower until the kids nap and other days I've gotten more done before 10:00 than I did the entire week before. I have learned to take one day at a time and enjoy each moment with my children.
It has been a little bit of a rough transition for me, learning to love being a stay-at-home-mom. I feel bad when I'm with my husband's coworkers and feel I have nothing to add to their conversation except that I found a really good coupon this week or to talk about Amita's success with potty training. I'll never get a promotion or win any awards, but I've realized that that is okay. I'm doing one of the most important things in the world - raising my children.
Every day I am so proud of them. I am proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. I am proud of them on the bad days and the good days. And you know what? I've come to realize that is all the professional satisfaction I need.
"I feel bad when I'm with my husband's coworkers and feel I have nothing to add to their conversation except that I found a really good coupon this week or to talk about Amita's success with potty training."
ReplyDeleteThis really resonates with me. My husband is MS3 and our social group is highly educated. Heck, *I* am highly educated, but have trouble adding anything to the conversation beyond my passion for baking bread or my daughter's latest milestone.
I think you've captured the tension of at home mothering perfectly. The yearning for *doing* something! Wanting good conversation! Needing to feel accomplished and appreciated! Tempered by the deep love, peace, and joy of looking into your child's eyes; the anxiety you feel thinking of anyone else capturing the small moments of her day- the way her face looks all smeared with jam, the way she smiles crookedly as she totters toward you, even the frustrated tantrums. Motherhood is a balancing act, of holding our needs in tension with our children's. You've written beautifully about it.
I am so glad you liked the post. I like what you said about it all being a balancing act- you're exactly right. Thank you for reading and commenting!
DeleteLaura,
ReplyDeleteYour writing is powerful, transparent and inspiring. Once I had read the first sentence, I couldn't stop reading. Having three kids of my own and being in a situation where I have no real friends or family close by, I was able to connect with several of the things you said...I especially loved your mother's advice..That makes a lot of sense!!:)
You are doing an amazing job...your kids are lucky to have the best teacher they could ever ask for!
Thank you Jija! I really appreciate the encouragement!
Delete