For Mother's Day, I decided to write a small piece dedicated to a great woman and one of my best friends: my mom.
Here are some of the greatest lessons I learned from my mom:
1. Always stick up for your kids. My mom was always my biggest advocate, and in many ways she still is. She taught me from a young age what it meant to believe in your children and to wholeheartedly encourage, support, and inspire.
2. What it means to belong to a community. My mom was always active in different city and church organizations. She helped me understand the importance of belonging to a community and encouraged me to be active in extracurriculars in high school and college. Some of my best memories are because of those activities and I am so thankful I did them. While living in Michigan during Ridhwi's residency, I have not been able to be very active because of Ridhwi's work schedule and having two young kids. It makes me realize how important it is to be a part of a community and how much I miss it now that I'm away. This is one of the things I am looking forward to most when we move to Wisconsin next month- becoming active in the town.
3. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. It doesn't accomplish anything. Sometimes you have to pull up your big girl panties and do something to make your situation better.
4. Sometimes you just need your momma. No matter how old I am, some times I just need a hug from my mom.
5. The importance of helping others. My parents have always helped others and taught me to do so from an early age. Whether it is serving at a food kitchen, adopting children overseas through different organizations, or letting friends crash at our house when they need to, my parents have always been open and loving to those in need. My mom is also one of the most compassionate people I have ever met, bar none. Any time I need her she is ready to listen not with her ears, but with her heart.
6. The beauty of a strong marriage. This is one of the most beautiful things my mother has taught me - something that has greatly enriched my own life. My parents have been happily married for 35 years. They taught me that true love is selfless and kind, and what it means to truly and wholly love your spouse.
7. The value of hard work. My parents owned a business when I was growing up, and they definitely had to work to make it successful. Long nights, early mornings, and business trips were common. However, no matter how hard my parents worked, they always made family a priority. This lesson also applied to school. I've always had a tough time with math - no matter how hard I tried. I remember once in college I got a C- on a test after weeks of studying. I was really upset and drove home to have dinner with my parents. They asked me a simple question, "did you try your best?" I replied I did and they said, "then that's all we can ask for". I realized at that moment a very important life lesson - that sometimes all you can do is your very best and you should be proud of the work you have done, regardless of a grade. I was a better person for the hard work I had put in and that was what was important.
8. How to be an adult. By the time I left for college, I could cook, do my own laundry, manage my finances, and generally be independent. I was taught these lessons growing up and I was thankful that when I moved away from home I was emotionally and physically able to take care of myself. I didn't go through an "idiot" phase in life while I learned tough life lessons because I had been taught them at home before I left.
9. The importance of doing the right thing. My mom has alway taught me to do what is right, even if it is hard. Not only has she shown me through examples in her own life, but also has lovingly guided me through problems in my own, helping to shape me into the person I am today.
10. How to be a mother. Perhaps the greatest lesson my mom has taught me is how to be a mother to my own children. Many times I find myself calling and asking for advice. I value her experience and I am so grateful to have her in my life. One of the most unforgettable moments of my life is when she walked in my hospital room after having delivered Amita and my mom saw her for the first time - I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked back at me and it was as though our bond had somehow strengthened - I understood all the times she said, "when you're a mother you'll understand" and how she would say that there was nothing stronger than a mother's love. She was absolutely right. In that moment I finally understood the extent to which she loved and cared for me all those years.
So here's to you, mom. I love you. I sincerely hope you have a happy Mother's Day. Wish we could be there to celebrate with you.
Growing up, I never thought I would be a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). I wanted to be Teacher of the Year. I wanted to inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help students become awesome readers, writers, people, and citizens. I wanted to change lives.
Two weeks after Amita was born in 2011, we moved to Michigan for Ridhwi's residency. At that time, we faced two decisions: I could work or stay at home. If I worked, I needed to begin applying for jobs immediately. I didn't have a Michigan teaching license or daycare lined up. I also took a really long time to heal from Amita's birth (three months) and wasn't feeling particularly up to being up and around, let alone working. The move was hard enough! The thought of going back to work? It was difficult for me, to say the least. I was also completely in love with my little baby girl. I was scared to be a first-time mom with no family nearby and I was even more scared at the thought of putting her in a daycare and not seeing her.
So Ridhwi (who is such a supportive husband) and I went over the numbers and figured out we could wing it. We both liked the idea of me staying at home, and we were excited about doing it.
I decided that if I was going to be a SAHM, I would be the best SAHM mom I could be. I would be a pintrest-worthy mom. I would make my own laundry soap, make my own baby food, have a perfectly clean house and my children would grow up to be awesome!
At first, it was wonderful. It was like I lived in a dream, a perfect world where I could sleep in, read, watch TV, practice cooking - anything I wanted! After teaching while pregnant, giving birth, and moving across the country, I really enjoyed the break. I took the baby for walks, got a library card, and explored the community. I was happy. However, it was only about two months before I got sick of daytime TV, I didn't want to read all day, Amita was growing and not allowing me the blocks of time to do the things I had been doing, and winter was coming so walks were no longer an option. I started to become restless. Suddenly, only talking to the check-out person at the grocery store didn't hold as much appeal as it did before. I missed all my friends. I missed my husband (who was always gone for work). I missed my family. I missed having intelligent conversations. I missed making lessons plans and my visiting with students. However, I would look at my little baby's face and I couldn't imagine being anywhere but with her - she was worth every bit of the sacrifice. I wanted to stay at home with her more than I wanted good conversations (although, I will tell you, baby Amita could be a pretty good conversationalist too). I wondered what was wrong with me. I should be so thankful and lucky to stay at home - I should be glad we were able to do it financially.
I was also married to a man who was in his first year of residency. I counted once that he went seven days without seeing Amita because he got home after she was asleep and went to work before she got up. He consistently worked 16-17 hour days and when he was home he needed sleep. I was basically on my own, night and day.
It was hard. I loved my kid and wanted to spend time with her but I missed working too. Then, when Amita was six months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I knew I wouldn't be going back to work, at least not during residency. My paycheck would barely cover the cost of daycare so it wasn't practical. I also couldn't imagine working and keeping up the house completely by myself, which I would have to do. I was much like a single parent. The more Amita grew, the less lonely I felt and the more work was needed to care for her. I was also very sick during my pregnancy and had a growing belly and doctor's appointments, so that took my attention too.
Eventually I learned the names of the check-out people at the grocery store and they learned mine. A fellow resident-wife and I had started a mom's group and we met once a week. They were a great source of support. I also stared Parents as Teachers. I was busy and feeling happy and… important. I hate to use that word, important, but it's the right word. I had been feeling unimportant before. When I realized it, I thought to myself, "how could you be feeling unimportant, you're growing and raising human beings!" It didn't change the way I felt, though. I missed feeling like a professional. I missed human interaction. I hated that sometimes, the only person I would talk to all day was Ridhwi.
With time, and as the kids get older, I've come to see exactly how much I do and how important is is to our family. We really would not have been able to get through Ridhw's residency without me staying at home. Now that the kids are older I am constantly busy I find myself longing for the early days with Amita where I had time to work on personal projects and only one kid. I don't get frustrated because I do things over and over again that never seem to be finished - like laundry and dishes. Instead, I think about how good of an example I'm setting for my children, I'm showing them how to make a home. There are still days where the only person I talk to is Ridhwi. But he is always there for me to talk to and he lets me talk endlessly about my post office frustrations (or whatever I need to talk about). He constantly tells me how much he appreciates all I do for him and the family. He loves me and understands me and this helps tremendously.
The biggest thing I've learned about being a SAHM: It's a completely different way of thinking. Instead of feeling good because I made a good lesson plan, I feel good because the girls give me hugs and tell me they love me. Instead of staying up late grading papers, I stay up late folding laundry. Instead of getting up early to commute to work, I get up early with my wonderful children and feed them a healthy breakfast.
Now that we've decided to homeschool, I think I will get some of that professional satisfaction back (it is NOT the reason we decided to homeschool, for the record). When I think about what I wanted with my life: to be Teacher of the Year, inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help children become awesome writers, people, citizens, and to change lives - I realized that I will be doing ALL of those things. Instead of doing them with other people's children, I'll be doing them with my own! This was an incredibly exciting realization for me.
I've never become a pintrest-worthy mom. I've yet to make my own laundry soap, I tried making my own baby food once and decided it wasn't worth it when Ashima spit it all over my face, and my kids are not always perfect and the house is not always clean.
When I told my mom I was going to stay at home with the kids, she told me that some days I would do little more than hold my kids and some days would be incredibly productive. I've found that to be a very true piece of advice. Some days the house is a mess and I don't get a shower until the kids nap and other days I've gotten more done before 10:00 than I did the entire week before. I have learned to take one day at a time and enjoy each moment with my children.
It has been a little bit of a rough transition for me, learning to love being a stay-at-home-mom. I feel bad when I'm with my husband's coworkers and feel I have nothing to add to their conversation except that I found a really good coupon this week or to talk about Amita's success with potty training. I'll never get a promotion or win any awards, but I've realized that that is okay. I'm doing one of the most important things in the world - raising my children.
Every day I am so proud of them. I am proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. I am proud of them on the bad days and the good days. And you know what? I've come to realize that is all the professional satisfaction I need.
It started when I got pregnant. At first, I chalked it up to the fact that it was my first pregnancy and people wanted to help. It got worse as the pregnancy progressed: strangers would ask me personal questions and everyone made sure I knew their opinions on everything baby related. Then, I had Amita and I became intimately familiar with the Mommy Wars.
What are the Mommy Wars? Mommy Wars are the fighting, bickering, judgments, and superior attitudes that moms show other moms, especially in relation to topics about nursing, vaccinations, schooling, sleep habits, and diet. Oh, and just about everything else.
Why do we as mothers feel the need to pick each other apart and put each other down? Do other people really think they are the perfect parent?
We, as parents, all try to do the very best we can. We make decisions for our families based on the needs of the family. So why does everyone feel the need to judge others? Parenting is hard. What we should all do is show support for other parents. For those that choose to bottle feed their babies instead of breastfeed, who cares? The baby has a full belly at night and lots of love - that's what's really important, right? One mom uses the cry it out method to get her child to sleep, so what? How does that affect you and your sense of right and wrong? If it gives that mother peace and makes her life easier, then good for her. We all need a little more peace in our lives and should encourage other mothers to have the same.
I used to be a part of a Facebook group called Mommy Support. This was the least supportive group I have ever been a part of. At first, before I realized the group was extremely unhelpful, I invited all of my friends to be a part of it, a request for which I would like to publicly apologize. I'm guessing all it did was make my friends angry and upset, bring down their self-esteem, or make them think they are the worst parent ever, like it did me. Sorry, really. I have since left the group because I figured I would soon be put on high blood pressure medication if I didn't. I think they should re-name the group Mommy Judgment: How to Judge Other Moms Who Are Different From You. That would be an accurate name.
I, personally, like to operate by what I call the Pioneer Woman Parenting Attitude. This is how it works: if you are wondering about something parenting related, you ask yourself, "is this something a pioneer woman would care about?" Often times, the answer is no, unless it's really important, like "should I feed my child?" In that case, if a pioneer woman would care about it, the answer is "yes!". Let's do another example."Should I use a sleep sack or a blanket?" Would a pioneer woman care about using a sleep sack or a blanket? NO. She would be thankful that her children are warm at night. Would she care about what brand of shoes her child has, or if they are soft soled or hard soled? NO. She would be glad simply to have shoes to put in his/her feet. This is how I wade through was is really important in parenting and what is not. That's not to say that I don't have my own opinions on these things but I don't feel like they are the most important parenting decisions I'll make. What's really important? Raising polite, motivated, decent human beings. Those things matter - not how long a person nurses their child, or how they choose to educate their children, what they feed them, or how they get their kids to go to sleep at night.
The only thing we should ask of other mothers: to be the very best mom they can. Until we find an example the perfect parent and that person writes a parenting manual we can all agree to follow, we should stop judging. Here's an idea: how about instead of chewing out someone we've never met on the internet, we take the additional time and spend it with our families? We should not tell others what to do (unless they are doing something to harm their child). We have no right to judge someone until we've walked in their shoes.
One very good piece of advice my mom gave me when I was pregnant? She told me that no one hugs you like your mom. It doesn't matter if she holds you a different way, or if she puts her right hand over her left of vice versa. The hug feels good simply because your mom is showing you she loves you. We all may do things differently but you know what? We're all similar in that we love our children and want what is best for them.
So let's all be card holding members of the Mommy Club. Let's support, uplift, help, and encourage other moms. We don't have to agree with another mom's decision to see she is trying her best. And you know what? That's okay. It's okay for someone to do something different, it's all a part of this wonderful, amazing, and tremendous gift of parenthood we've been given.
One thing I have discovered about homeschooling is that support groups are very important! I am pleased to say that I have already joined some in the areas in which we will be moving. Support groups have many functions: they can really help break down the state laws, provide assistance on any number of questions: what curriculum they use, what their day looks like, what services are available in the area, things have have worked/didn't work for them, etc. They can also tell you about local homeschool activities in the area. Many of these support groups are in the form of co-ops, though some are not. Here is a list of the groups I have joined and found to be helpful:
- Central Wisconsin Homeschoolers. This is a Facebook group that has helped me to find local co-ops in Stevens Point and Wisconsin Rapids, both Christian and secular.
- Doctor Families that Homeschool. This is a Facebook group of like-minded people who are in a similar situation to my own. They have provided some great starting points of where to look for curriculum and links/book ideas for research.
- Lives of Doctor Wives. This is a Facebook group that does not specifically deal with homeschooling but has a lot of like-minded women that are homeschooling and have AWESOME ideas for activities with kiddos.
- Stevens Point co-ops. From what I understand (so far) there are three Christian and one secular co-op. I have joined some of their emailing lists and have plans to meet with two people already once we move. I have also seen some of the activities they have available and am really excited for the kids. There are field trips, group outings, PE classes, and some classes for the kids.
- Wisconsin Rapids. From what I understand (so far) there is one Christian co-op in WI Rapids. I have been in contact with them and plan to check them out further once we move!
- Secular Homeschool Curriculum. This a Facebook group that reviews and gives recommendations for secular homeschool curricula. Since that's what I'll be using I'm finding it really informative!
