Typically, I don't write on my blog about Ridhwi and myself. I don't like to bring a lot of attention to the fact that my husband is a doctor because people automatically assume a lot of things about me, many of which are not true. I could tell you many stories of people who were super nice to me until they found out my husband is a doctor and then turn mega-bitch. I won't do that, however, because that's not what this post is about. These three years have been difficult for us. We moved to Michigan when Amita was two weeks old and hit the floor running with residency and a new baby. I think I can speak for both of us when I say we've both learned a lot about the kind of people we want to be as well what is really important to us. It's been a learning experience for me personally, and I would like to take a minute to share a few of the things I've learned with you throughout these three years of being a resident's wife. They've brought Ridhwi and I much closer as husband and wife and as a family unit. It's not always been easy but we've plowed through the difficult times, laughed through the good times, and somewhere in between managed to raise two great kids.
Here are the 5 most important things I've learned:
1. Residency affects everyone in the family and extended family.
It's not just spouses and children that are affected by residency. Most people move away from extended family for the duration, and it can be hard to come home for financial, distance, and scheduling reasons. We were lucky to receive a pre-match but I'm not sure many people realize that residency location is up to a computer matching program. A great deal of it is out of anyone's hands. On average, we have been able to make it to my parent's home once a year. My husband has not been to his home in India in four years, although he has seen his parents and sister here in the US. It can also be hard for Ridhwi to communicate with his side of the family so I make sure to text his family and mine with updates and keep my Facebook account updated with pictures for his family in India and mine in Kansas and Missouri. Between the two of us, we make sure that everyone stays updated about our lives and that they don't feel too left out. It can be difficult to keep everyone in the loop, though.
2. Communication is key.
Marriage takes work, but especially a medical marriage. With late nights, early mornings, crabby kids, newborns hungry in the middle of the night, etc. it can be easy to let your emotions get the best of you. The most important thing? To treat each other with respect at all times. I'll admit that I've been crabby a few times when I have to get up for the seventeenth time with a kid in the night and Ridhwi is nicely sleeping next to me, but he also worked an 18 hour day and then came home and read articles until he fell asleep with an open iPad on his recliner. We both work at our separate duties, just at different times. It's also happened that I've been up more than 24 hours with children so Ridhwi has gotten up with the kids, giving me some rest, or I've stayed up super late to help him with typing a paper (I'm a really fast typer) knowing I'm going to be getting up throughout the night on little sleep. We both give and take in order to help the other person through a difficult day or week.
For the sake of complete honesty, I'll tell you the times I do get upset with Ridhwi. It is when he tells he will be home at a certain time and he's not. Many times I've waited several hours to hear word of why he's not at home imagining the worst - Ridhwi falling asleep at the wheel after a long shift and getting into a car accident. I don't mind when work goes longer than anticipated, but I do mind thinking that something bad has happened to him. I know it's not always possible for him to text or call right away, especially when someone is coding, but as soon as possible is all I ask. We've since talked through this and Ridhwi has been awesome about letting me know if something comes up.
3. Holidays are just a day.
During Ridhwi's first year of residency, he got stuck working EVERY holiday. I'm taking Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Memorial Day, Columbus Day, everything. I am someone who really likes holidays and I really like to plan things so it was really hard for me at first but ended up being a very good lesson. We were still able to celebrate all holidays, just on a different timetable. If there was a parade or community event, I just took the kids by myself if I wanted to go. I felt bad that Ridhwi would miss out but I was happy that I got to experience it with the kids. It's all about perspective.
4. It is important to invest in friendships.
When you know that you are not living in your "forever" place, it can be easy to not invest in friendships. After all, you're just there for a little while, right? Why put forth the effort? However, friendships are very important. If it weren't for the connections I've made in Michigan, I'm not sure I would have been able to remain sane. Particularly when I was pregnant, I was thankful to have friends who would offer to watch Amita while I went to the doctor, or knowing I had several friends I could call if I went into labor in the middle of the night really helped my peace of mind (Thank you again Brian, Rachel, and TyAnn!). With the closest family a 13 hour drive, my friends have become like a surrogate family.
5. It is important to make sure that you both get personal time.
This is something that has been difficult for both Ridhwi and I. When Ridhwi has time off, he would like to rest, relax, see a movie, and recharge. There are times when I would like to go to the store by myself, get my hair cut, or even just go to Starbucks and get a coffee in peace. Since free time is so difficult to come by in residency, there can be some friction about who gets to use the free time and who gets to stay at home with the kids. The key is communication. There have been times where we know Ridhwi's schedule is going to be busy and we purposefully schedule free time for both of us on a calendar to ensure we both don't feel overwhelmed. There was one week where Ridhwi said that he wanted to be able to go to the gym at least twice during the week and I wanted two hours to go to the craft store to get a few supplies without kids. It was kind of hard to schedule all of these events during store/gym hours but we were able to do it and we both felt much better for having that time to ourselves. When we move I am looking forward to making friends and possibly even having girls night out or mom's night out. With Ridhwi's new schedule, it will also be easier for him to have his own time. I think it will give both of us a clear head and our quality time much better. It has been hard for me to have a social life here with kids' bedtimes and schedules to keep, so I am very much looking forward to that change.
I saw an article the other day titled "8 Things Healthy Couples Don't Do". Number two says that people in healthy relationships don't put work before their family. On a Doctor Wives Facebook group that I am a part of, there were a few comments to the effect of, "This doesn't apply to our marriages" and "not when you are married to medicine". I don't think that is a healthy way to look at it. It's not that my husband's job come before his family, it's that my husband's job takes a lot of his time. Sometimes, that includes changing plans or altering things on my part. But, what can I do? When that happens, I face two options: One, hold it against my husband as though it is his fault. After all, he chose this profession, right? Or two, go with the flow and do my best to support the man I love. After all, he didn't write his schedule, right? I also think that this applies to any marriage. There are many professions, not just doctors, which require couples to be separated or have long/strange working hours. All you can do is support the person you love. It's not always easy and I'm guilty of some major pity parties, but it's for the best.
I truly think that a successful marriage during training and residency requires both parties to work hard and be understanding. I have to be understanding when I feel like a single parent and he needs to be understanding that some times the apartment and/or kids are a mess. Some days are awesome for our family, some days require work, sacrifice, and understanding from both people. And that is what a marriage is all about: weathering the storms of life together and enjoying the good times in each other's company. I can tell you one thing: now that Ridhwi's residency is over, all I want to do is yell from the rooftops, "VENI VIDI VICI!". And now, on to the next phase of life, l'chaim!
Here are the 5 most important things I've learned:
1. Residency affects everyone in the family and extended family.
It's not just spouses and children that are affected by residency. Most people move away from extended family for the duration, and it can be hard to come home for financial, distance, and scheduling reasons. We were lucky to receive a pre-match but I'm not sure many people realize that residency location is up to a computer matching program. A great deal of it is out of anyone's hands. On average, we have been able to make it to my parent's home once a year. My husband has not been to his home in India in four years, although he has seen his parents and sister here in the US. It can also be hard for Ridhwi to communicate with his side of the family so I make sure to text his family and mine with updates and keep my Facebook account updated with pictures for his family in India and mine in Kansas and Missouri. Between the two of us, we make sure that everyone stays updated about our lives and that they don't feel too left out. It can be difficult to keep everyone in the loop, though.
2. Communication is key.
Marriage takes work, but especially a medical marriage. With late nights, early mornings, crabby kids, newborns hungry in the middle of the night, etc. it can be easy to let your emotions get the best of you. The most important thing? To treat each other with respect at all times. I'll admit that I've been crabby a few times when I have to get up for the seventeenth time with a kid in the night and Ridhwi is nicely sleeping next to me, but he also worked an 18 hour day and then came home and read articles until he fell asleep with an open iPad on his recliner. We both work at our separate duties, just at different times. It's also happened that I've been up more than 24 hours with children so Ridhwi has gotten up with the kids, giving me some rest, or I've stayed up super late to help him with typing a paper (I'm a really fast typer) knowing I'm going to be getting up throughout the night on little sleep. We both give and take in order to help the other person through a difficult day or week.
For the sake of complete honesty, I'll tell you the times I do get upset with Ridhwi. It is when he tells he will be home at a certain time and he's not. Many times I've waited several hours to hear word of why he's not at home imagining the worst - Ridhwi falling asleep at the wheel after a long shift and getting into a car accident. I don't mind when work goes longer than anticipated, but I do mind thinking that something bad has happened to him. I know it's not always possible for him to text or call right away, especially when someone is coding, but as soon as possible is all I ask. We've since talked through this and Ridhwi has been awesome about letting me know if something comes up.
3. Holidays are just a day.
During Ridhwi's first year of residency, he got stuck working EVERY holiday. I'm taking Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Memorial Day, Columbus Day, everything. I am someone who really likes holidays and I really like to plan things so it was really hard for me at first but ended up being a very good lesson. We were still able to celebrate all holidays, just on a different timetable. If there was a parade or community event, I just took the kids by myself if I wanted to go. I felt bad that Ridhwi would miss out but I was happy that I got to experience it with the kids. It's all about perspective.
4. It is important to invest in friendships.
When you know that you are not living in your "forever" place, it can be easy to not invest in friendships. After all, you're just there for a little while, right? Why put forth the effort? However, friendships are very important. If it weren't for the connections I've made in Michigan, I'm not sure I would have been able to remain sane. Particularly when I was pregnant, I was thankful to have friends who would offer to watch Amita while I went to the doctor, or knowing I had several friends I could call if I went into labor in the middle of the night really helped my peace of mind (Thank you again Brian, Rachel, and TyAnn!). With the closest family a 13 hour drive, my friends have become like a surrogate family.
5. It is important to make sure that you both get personal time.
This is something that has been difficult for both Ridhwi and I. When Ridhwi has time off, he would like to rest, relax, see a movie, and recharge. There are times when I would like to go to the store by myself, get my hair cut, or even just go to Starbucks and get a coffee in peace. Since free time is so difficult to come by in residency, there can be some friction about who gets to use the free time and who gets to stay at home with the kids. The key is communication. There have been times where we know Ridhwi's schedule is going to be busy and we purposefully schedule free time for both of us on a calendar to ensure we both don't feel overwhelmed. There was one week where Ridhwi said that he wanted to be able to go to the gym at least twice during the week and I wanted two hours to go to the craft store to get a few supplies without kids. It was kind of hard to schedule all of these events during store/gym hours but we were able to do it and we both felt much better for having that time to ourselves. When we move I am looking forward to making friends and possibly even having girls night out or mom's night out. With Ridhwi's new schedule, it will also be easier for him to have his own time. I think it will give both of us a clear head and our quality time much better. It has been hard for me to have a social life here with kids' bedtimes and schedules to keep, so I am very much looking forward to that change.
I saw an article the other day titled "8 Things Healthy Couples Don't Do". Number two says that people in healthy relationships don't put work before their family. On a Doctor Wives Facebook group that I am a part of, there were a few comments to the effect of, "This doesn't apply to our marriages" and "not when you are married to medicine". I don't think that is a healthy way to look at it. It's not that my husband's job come before his family, it's that my husband's job takes a lot of his time. Sometimes, that includes changing plans or altering things on my part. But, what can I do? When that happens, I face two options: One, hold it against my husband as though it is his fault. After all, he chose this profession, right? Or two, go with the flow and do my best to support the man I love. After all, he didn't write his schedule, right? I also think that this applies to any marriage. There are many professions, not just doctors, which require couples to be separated or have long/strange working hours. All you can do is support the person you love. It's not always easy and I'm guilty of some major pity parties, but it's for the best.
I truly think that a successful marriage during training and residency requires both parties to work hard and be understanding. I have to be understanding when I feel like a single parent and he needs to be understanding that some times the apartment and/or kids are a mess. Some days are awesome for our family, some days require work, sacrifice, and understanding from both people. And that is what a marriage is all about: weathering the storms of life together and enjoying the good times in each other's company. I can tell you one thing: now that Ridhwi's residency is over, all I want to do is yell from the rooftops, "VENI VIDI VICI!". And now, on to the next phase of life, l'chaim!
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