Residency Reflections and Thoughts on the Medical Marriage

Typically, I don't write on my blog about Ridhwi and myself. I don't like to bring a lot of attention to the fact that my husband is a doctor because people automatically assume a lot of things about me, many of which are not true. I could tell you many stories of people who were super nice to me until they found out my husband is a doctor and then turn mega-bitch. I won't do that, however, because that's not what this post is about. These three years have been difficult for us. We moved to Michigan when Amita was two weeks old and hit the floor running with residency and a new baby. I think I can speak for both of us when I say we've both learned a lot about the kind of people we want to be as well what is really important to us. It's been a learning experience for me personally, and I would like to take a minute to share a few of the things I've learned with you throughout these three years of being a resident's wife. They've brought Ridhwi and I much closer as husband and wife and as a family unit. It's not always been easy but we've plowed through the difficult times, laughed through the good times, and somewhere in between managed to raise two great kids.

Here are the 5 most important things I've learned: 

1. Residency affects everyone in the family and extended family. 

It's not just spouses and children that are affected by residency. Most people move away from extended family for the duration, and it can be hard to come home for financial, distance, and scheduling reasons. We were lucky to receive a pre-match but I'm not sure many people realize that residency location is up to a computer matching program. A great deal of it is out of anyone's hands.  On average, we have been able to make it to my parent's home once a year. My husband has not been to his home in India in four years, although he has seen his parents and sister here in the US.  It can also be hard for Ridhwi to communicate with his side of the family so I make sure to text his family and mine with updates and keep my Facebook account updated with pictures for his family in India and mine in Kansas and Missouri. Between the two of us, we make sure that everyone stays updated about our lives and that they don't feel too left out. It can be difficult to keep everyone in the loop, though.
    
2.  Communication is key. 

Marriage takes work, but especially a medical marriage. With late nights, early mornings, crabby kids, newborns hungry in the middle of the night, etc. it can be easy to let your emotions get the best of you. The most important thing? To treat each other with respect at all times. I'll admit that I've been crabby a few times when I have to get up for the seventeenth time with a kid in the night and Ridhwi is nicely sleeping next to me, but he also worked an 18 hour day and then came home and read articles until he fell asleep with an open iPad on his recliner. We both work at our separate duties, just at different times. It's also happened that I've been up more than 24 hours with children so Ridhwi has gotten up with the kids, giving me some rest, or I've stayed up super late to help him with typing a paper (I'm a really fast typer) knowing I'm going to be getting up throughout the night on little sleep. We both give and take in order to help the other person through a difficult day or week. 

For the sake of complete honesty, I'll tell you the times I do get upset with Ridhwi. It is when he tells he will be home at a certain time and he's not. Many times I've waited several hours to hear word of why he's not at home imagining the worst - Ridhwi falling asleep at the wheel after a long shift and getting into a car accident. I don't mind when work goes longer than anticipated, but I do mind thinking that something bad has happened to him. I know it's not always possible for him to text or call right away, especially when someone is coding, but as soon as possible is all I ask. We've since talked through this and Ridhwi has been awesome about letting me know if something comes up. 

3. Holidays are just a day. 

During Ridhwi's first year of residency, he got stuck working EVERY holiday. I'm taking Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Memorial Day, Columbus Day, everything. I am someone who really likes holidays and I really like to plan things so it was really hard for me at first but ended up being a very good lesson. We were still able to celebrate all holidays, just on a different timetable. If there was a parade or community event, I just took the kids by myself if I wanted to go. I felt bad that Ridhwi would miss out but I was happy that I got to experience it with the kids. It's all about perspective. 


4. It is important to invest in friendships.

   When you know that you are not living in your "forever" place, it can be easy to not invest in friendships. After all, you're just there for a little while, right? Why put forth the effort? However, friendships are very important. If it weren't for the connections I've made in Michigan, I'm not sure I would have been able to remain sane. Particularly when I was pregnant, I was thankful to have friends who would offer to watch Amita while I went to the doctor, or knowing I had several friends I could call if I went into labor in the middle of the night really helped my peace of mind (Thank you again Brian, Rachel, and TyAnn!). With the closest family a 13 hour drive, my friends have become like a surrogate family. 

5. It is important to make sure that you both get personal time. 

    This is something that has been difficult for both Ridhwi and I. When Ridhwi has time off, he would like to rest, relax, see a movie, and recharge. There are times when I would like to go to the store by myself, get my hair cut, or even just go to Starbucks and get a coffee in peace. Since free time is so difficult to come by in residency, there can be some friction about who gets to use the free time and who gets to stay at home with the kids. The key is communication. There have been times where we know Ridhwi's schedule is going to be busy and we purposefully schedule free time for both of us on a calendar to ensure we both don't feel overwhelmed. There was one week where Ridhwi said that he wanted to be able to go to the gym at least twice during the week and I wanted two hours to go to the craft store to get a few supplies without kids. It was kind of hard to schedule all of these events during store/gym hours but we were able to do it and we both felt much better for having that time to ourselves. When we move I am looking forward to making friends and possibly even having girls night out or mom's night out. With Ridhwi's new schedule, it will also be easier for him to have his own time. I think it will give both of us a clear head and our quality time much better. It has been hard for me to have a social life here with kids' bedtimes and schedules to keep, so I am very much looking forward to that change.  

I saw an article the other day titled "8 Things Healthy Couples Don't Do". Number two says that people in healthy relationships don't put work before their family. On a Doctor Wives Facebook group that I am a part of, there were a few comments to the effect of, "This doesn't apply to our marriages" and "not when you are married to medicine". I don't think that is a healthy way to look at it. It's not that my husband's job come before his family, it's that my husband's job takes a lot of his time. Sometimes, that includes changing plans or altering things on my part. But, what can I do? When that happens, I face two options: One, hold it against my husband as though it is his fault. After all, he chose this profession, right? Or two, go with the flow and do my best to support the man I love. After all, he didn't write his schedule, right? I also think that this applies to any marriage. There are many professions, not just doctors, which require couples to be separated or have long/strange  working hours. All you can do is support the person you love. It's not always easy and I'm guilty of some major pity parties, but it's for the best.  

I truly think that a successful marriage during training and residency requires both parties to work hard and be understanding. I have to be understanding when I feel like a single parent and he needs to be understanding that some times the apartment and/or kids are a mess. Some days are awesome for our family, some days require work, sacrifice, and understanding from both people. And that is what a marriage is all about: weathering the storms of life together and enjoying the good times in each other's company.  I can tell you one thing: now that Ridhwi's residency is over, all I want to do is yell from the rooftops, "VENI VIDI VICI!". And now, on to the next phase of life, l'chaim!

Learning to Love Being a Stay-At-Home Mom

Growing up, I never thought I would be a Stay-At-Home Mom (SAHM). I wanted to be Teacher of the Year. I wanted to inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help students become awesome readers, writers, people, and citizens. I wanted to change lives.

Two weeks after Amita was born in 2011, we moved to Michigan for Ridhwi's residency. At that time, we faced two decisions: I could work or stay at home. If I worked, I needed to begin applying for jobs immediately. I didn't have a Michigan teaching license or daycare lined up. I also took a really long time to heal from Amita's birth (three months) and wasn't feeling particularly up to being up and around, let alone working. The move was hard enough! The thought of going back to work? It was difficult for me, to say the least. I was also completely in love with my little baby girl. I was scared to be a first-time mom with no family nearby and I was even more scared at the thought of putting her in a daycare and not seeing her.

So Ridhwi (who is such a supportive husband) and I went over the numbers and figured out we could wing it. We both liked the idea of me staying at home, and we were excited about doing it. 

I decided that if I was going to be a SAHM, I would be the best SAHM mom I could be. I would be a pintrest-worthy mom. I would make my own laundry soap, make my own baby food, have a perfectly clean house and my children would grow up to be awesome!

At first, it was wonderful. It was like I lived in a dream, a perfect world where I could sleep in, read, watch TV, practice cooking - anything I wanted! After teaching while pregnant, giving birth, and moving across the country, I really enjoyed the break. I took the baby for walks, got a library card, and explored the community. I was happy. However, it was only about two months before I got sick of daytime TV, I didn't want to read all day, Amita was growing and not allowing me the blocks of time to do the things I had been doing, and winter was coming so walks were no longer an option. I started to become restless. Suddenly, only talking to the check-out person at the grocery store didn't hold as much appeal as it did before. I missed all my friends. I missed my husband (who was always gone for work). I missed my family. I missed having intelligent conversations. I missed making lessons plans and my visiting with students.  However, I would look at my little baby's face and I couldn't imagine being anywhere but with her - she was worth every bit of the sacrifice. I wanted to stay at home with her more than I wanted good conversations (although, I will tell you, baby Amita could be a pretty good conversationalist too). I wondered what was wrong with me. I should be so thankful and lucky to stay at home - I should be glad we were able to do it financially.

I was also married to a man who was in his first year of residency. I counted once that he went seven days without seeing Amita because he got home after she was asleep and went to work before she got up. He consistently worked 16-17 hour days and when he was home he needed sleep. I was basically on my own, night and day. 

It was hard. I loved my kid and wanted to spend time with her but I missed working too. Then, when Amita was six months old, I found out I was pregnant again. I knew I wouldn't be going back to work, at least not during residency. My paycheck would barely cover the cost of daycare so it wasn't practical. I also couldn't imagine working and keeping up the house completely by myself, which I would have to do. I was much like a single parent. The more Amita grew, the less lonely I felt and the more work was needed to care for her. I was also very sick during my pregnancy and had a growing belly and doctor's appointments, so that took my attention too. 

Eventually I learned the names of the check-out people at the grocery store and they learned mine. A fellow resident-wife and I had started a mom's group and we met once a week. They were a great source of support. I also stared Parents as Teachers. I was busy and feeling happy and… important. I hate to use that word, important, but it's the right word. I had been feeling unimportant before. When I realized it, I thought to myself, "how could you be feeling unimportant, you're growing and raising human beings!" It didn't change the way I felt, though. I missed feeling like a professional. I missed human interaction. I hated that sometimes, the only person I would talk to all day was Ridhwi. 

With time, and as the kids get older, I've come to see exactly how much I do and how important is is to our family. We really would not have been able to get through Ridhw's residency without me staying at home. Now that the kids are older I am constantly busy I find myself longing for the early days with Amita where I had time to work on personal projects and only one kid. I don't get frustrated because I do things over and over again that never seem to be finished - like laundry and dishes. Instead, I think about how good of an example I'm setting for my children, I'm showing them how to make a home. There are still days where the only person I talk to is Ridhwi. But he is always there for me to talk to and he lets me talk endlessly about my post office frustrations (or whatever I need to talk about). He constantly tells me how much he appreciates all I do for him and the family. He loves me and understands me and this helps tremendously. 

The biggest thing I've learned about being a SAHM: It's a completely different way of thinking. Instead of feeling good because I made a good lesson plan, I feel good because the girls give me hugs and tell me they love me. Instead of staying up late grading papers, I stay up late folding laundry. Instead of getting up early to commute to work, I get up early with my wonderful children and feed them a healthy breakfast. 

Now that we've decided to homeschool, I think I will get some of that professional satisfaction back (it is NOT the reason we decided to homeschool, for the record). When I think about what I wanted with my life: to be Teacher of the Year, inspire young minds, excite kids about reading, teach eager young minds the wonders and joys of a great novel, help children become awesome writers, people, citizens, and to change lives - I realized that I will be doing ALL of those things. Instead of doing them with other people's children, I'll be doing them with my own! This was an incredibly exciting realization for me. 

I've never become a pintrest-worthy mom. I've yet to make my own laundry soap, I tried making my own baby food once and decided it wasn't worth it when Ashima spit it all over my face, and my kids are not always perfect and the house is not always clean.

When I told my mom I was going to stay at home with the kids, she told me that some days I would do little more than hold my kids and some days would be incredibly productive. I've found that to be a very true piece of advice. Some days the house is a mess and I don't get a shower until the kids nap and other days I've gotten more done before 10:00 than I did the entire week before. I have learned to take one day at a time and enjoy each moment with my children. 

It has been a little bit of a rough transition for me, learning to love being a stay-at-home-mom. I feel bad when I'm with my husband's coworkers and feel I have nothing to add to their conversation except that I found a really good coupon this week or to talk about Amita's success with potty training. I'll never get a promotion or win any awards, but I've realized that that is okay. I'm doing one of the most important things in the world - raising my children. 

Every day I am so proud of them. I am proud of the people they are and the people they are becoming. I am proud of them on the bad days and the good days. And you know what? I've come to realize that is all the professional satisfaction I need. 

Introduction to the Family

I am Laura, a teacher turned stay-at-home mom. I am starting to find my stride in this motherhood business and looking forward to trying my hand at homeschooling and seeing if it fits our family. In my spare time I love to read and try out new recipes. 

Next, we have Ridhwi, my wonderful, awesome, and supportive husband. He works as a physician here in Wisconsin. He is a good man and dedicated to the lives and education of our children. He enjoys fishing and reading books during what little down time he has

We also have two beautiful daughters: Amita is the oldest at 3.5 and Ashima is the youngest at two. Amita is a very sensitive kid who loves all things Dora and is very quick to pick up new things. She's talking up a storm and I love hearing what she has to say!

Ashima is my littlest baby and a very sweet girl. She is very outgoing and loves to make new friends. She especially likes to follow around her sister and cause trouble. 

We also have a dog named Alli who is a rescue dog turned therapy dog turned family dog and really loves the girls. 

So this is it. Our family. Please join us on this amazing journey through our life!